Contents
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1) "A Short Welcome" by Kevin Jones
2) "A Less Short Welcome" by Kevin Jones
3) "Join the 'Ban Pickles' Movement Today!!!" by Seth Ward
4) "The Late Great Nothing" by Kevin Jones
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1) A Short Welcome

Welcome!!!

2) A Less Short Welcome

        So, this is it.  The premier of The Sardine.  I hope that you are at
least 1.32e^3 times as excited as we are.  Right now, our distribution is
admittedly small, and that's where we ask for your help.
        Being the social people I'm sure you all are, we are asking that you
forward this to all the people you care about.  Save them from their own
ignorance, you who are so wise.  Save your enemies, too, as we need to be
compassionate.  Subscribing information is at the end.
        Also, a web page has been set up.  Its address is also at the end.
Thanks for reading, enjoy.

3) -- JOIN THE 'BAN PICKLES' MOVEMENT TODAY!!! --

        Health is trendy these days.  Now, I know the personal fitness craze
started years before I was born; what with Jane Fonda and diets that
involved nothing but grapefruit and/or cabbage.  These, however, are the
nineties.  In order to be trendy, one must be one step ahead of the latest
craze.  Indeed, one must second guess the trendsetters, becoming so
original so as to be redundant without anyone knowing it. Allow me to
explain myself by letting you in on a health craze so hot, no one has put
their finger on the 'pulse' of it until now.

        In these modern times, it's not enough to be concerned simply with your
own health.  To be truly cutting-edge, one must dictate the health
regimens of your loved ones, your friends, and especially the rest of the
nation; most of whom I'm sure you've never met.

        Case in point.  'Big Tobacco' has suffered huge corporate losses of late,
due to a mass propagandist push by a group of non and ex-smokers who found
it their duty to bombard us with the revelation: CIGARETTES ARE BAD FOR
YOU!  It started as something people joked about, and within two years we
find entire states that garnish no smoking signs at the border.  Given
time, tobacco is to be classed as a drug on par with cocaine or pain
pills. This is not simply an angered opinion; read the headlines.  This
trend has found its way into the food business with the recent release of
a book outlining the dangers of (get this) milk.

        I can save millions of dollars in lobbying and campaigning on behalf of
those behind this movement with two simple words, and I would like you all
to repeat this with me:  "WE KNOW!"

        WE KNOW that cigarettes do bad things to your lungs; WE KNOW
that hot dogs are made out of things we wouldn't care to think about; WE
KNOW that alcohol makes you do irrational things and may or may not be bad
for you; WE KNOW all of these things and WE DON'T CARE!  God gave us a
limited time in this life.  Eventually, much to the dismay of the public
health fanatics, we will all die, and it is my opinion that the
aforementioned God might not mind if we enjoy ourselves a little bit.
What's more, even if I am wrong, it is not for anyone of this realm,
especially from California, to dictate to me what I should not be enjoying.

        With this in mind, I propose to you, dear Internet folk, that we launch a
similar movement that should prove to be so ludicrous that such banter
will cease to be trendy, and we can resume our enjoyment of Camel Wides,
Oscar Meyer Wieners, 40 oz. Bottles of Mickey's, and good old fashioned
WHOLE MILK. Yum.

        The new target we should place on the Throne of Health Risks is to be
Dill Pickles.  That's right.  Although they are vegetables, Pickles are
prepared in an unorganic manner, and are (gasp) high in sodium.  Although
not proven, high sodium levels can lead to heart problems and even birth
defects in the children of pregnant women who often crave these naughty
treats.

        At least that's my story.  Who cares about the facts?  Certainly not the
media, and in turn, certainly not the Oprah-watching general public.  I
encourage you to act as though you are very concerned about this issue to
your more liberal friends any chance you get.  Then, just sit back and
watch it explode.  Within 6 months it will be getting five minute spots on
the 'Health Beat' segment of you local TV news.  Then, enterprising print
journalists will uncover a 'conspiracy' on the part of Gedney and Vlasic
to cover up the risks involved in consumption of pickles.  At the very
height of the anti-Dill mayhem, we the masterminds behind this movement
will cry
out, exposing it as the nonsense that it is.

        The desensitized masses will snap out of their frenzy, Congress will halt
the formation of the Grand Jury designated to investigate Kosher Fraud,
and the proverbial Emperor will be left Ass-Naked, somewhere in southern
California.

        Just think of the relief.  Sheepish, red-faced fanatics will return to
the suburbs from whence they came.  It will no longer be considered heroic
to pressure people into 'better, healthier lifestyles' and those of us who
know can resume living, eating and breathing as we please.  No matter if
the choices we make are healthy or not, they will once again be our
choices.

        So smoke those Camels, crack a Mickey's and enjoy every last
unhealthy bit of your life. Who knows, we might even start a trend...

Seth
 

4) The Late Great Nothing

        I find myself thinking about nothing, every once in awhile.  I know,
you're thinking "typical college student."  Well, somewhat.  I'll admit,
the thoughts come to me when I'm trying to avoid doing something I should
be doing, but that's probably where the similarity ends.

        I don't simply sit there with my mind idle (though it would probably be
more productive).  Instead, I wonder about "nothing" itself.  Is it right
that we try to describe nothing, and even point something out as
"nothing"?  Obviously, if we can point to it or describe it, then it's not
really "nothing".  Is the word even
necessary for us?

        We all as children have probably used it.  You get home from school and
your parents would probably ask for a summary of what you learned today.
You would roll your eyes (at least mentally) and give the inevitable
answer: "nothing."  At the same time, we've all heard the phrase "you
learn something new everyday."  Do you believe it, though?  Maybe you
still think that you learn "nothing" each day.

        If you don't think you learn something each day, then I am now going to
ask you to take a notebook with you all day and write down everything that
happens.  I want you to write down every thought in your head, every
decision you make, every consequence, and every physical event around you.
You probably have already learned something today -- that you won't be
taking a notebook with you today.

        Each day there is an incredible series of events that happens to us.
Maybe some of them are very similar day after day, but just how much so?
Chances are, you had to make some decision today that was different from
the day before.  How you made this decision will probably affect future
decisions.  I don't mean this on some grand scale, but let's say someone
asked you to sit by them for lunch.  You then either accept or decline
this invitation.  You then learn how you feel after making this decision,
and that will change how you make the
decision if that person asks you to sit by them again.  Minor as it may
be, you just learned something.

        There are times when maybe you say that there is nothing "over there",
while pointing at some location.  Really?  I would venture to say there
are thousands of things "over there" that your senses cannot perceive.
That's hardly nothing.  Oxygen may not be perceivable, but you'd be pretty
dead without it.  A blind man does not say that nothing exists, just
because he can't see it (alright, he might, but that would probably be a
bit more philosophical than what you would want to accept).

        Our friendly advertiser's bombard us with the fact that there is nothing
greater than their product (and we are so grateful for this).  We, in our
infinite wisdom and cynicism, just shrug this claim off.  If you doubt
that we abuse the word "nothing", just remember advertisers use it.  They
seem to set the standard on abuse.

        I don't think we should be rid of the word entirely, though.  While I
can't at the moment think of any totally proper use for it, there are
times when there isn't much else we can say.  When someone asks you what's
wrong, and you don't want them to know, your obvious response is
"nothing".  It isn't at all true, but how else are going to get them off
your back?

        So, now you've read my first contribution to The Sardine.  You may be
scratching your head a little, trying to figure out what I was trying to
get at.  You may even ask me "what was the point?"

"Nothing", I answer.

--------------------------------------------
The Sardine.  Copyright 4/3/98.
To sign up and other such stuff, visit the web page:
http://visitweb.com/thesardine

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date?  Can't sign up on the web page?
Send e-mail to:
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