Eblo

Green Day

This has been circulating the internet seasonally for several years. It seems to be getting harder to find with each passing year (copyright take-downs?), so I captured it and shall reproduce it here until I can't. I don't know if it's actually from Denis Leary, but it's damned funny. Enjoy.

"Green Day" by Denis Leary:

First things first: There are many Irish-Americans in this country who celebrate St. Patrick's Day in a quiet and sober manner, perhaps heading off to work with a muted-olive tie or a small emerald pin as their nod to the day's events. There are also those who go to the 7 a.m. mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral and consider the day a prayerful tribute to the patron saint of all things green. There are still others who awaken the morning of March 17 and carry on as if it were just another 24 hours— no drinking, no fighting, no puking.

I don't know any of these people.

Therefore, this piece will be about the red-blooded, hard-boiled, hammerheaded souls who patrol the St. Patrick's Day arena as if it were life's last call.

If you consider the image of a working-class Mick named Fitzy caterwauling down Fifth Avenue wearing a kelly-green plastic derby, well oiled on whiskey and slurring his words, an offensive and demeaning stereotype, then call the Irish Anti-Defamation League (IDLE) right now. I think the number is 1-800-NO-FITZY.

I've spent several hundred official and unofficial St. Patrick's Day celebrations in New York City over the years, and the calm, bespectacled intellectual Irishman clutching his copy of
Finnegan's Wake
is a rare sight indeed. Unless he's passed out around 3:15 a.m. in the back booth at McQuigan's Pub.

No, March 17 is not for the squeamish. It's for the thirsty masses. Those young rebels willing to shout and scream about their Irish blood, the chosen few who will toss raw eggs into open cab windows, the banshees who only want (as House of Pain so eloquently put it) to "get off their feet and jump around." That's what St. Patrick's Day is all about. Doing incredibly stupid things while under the influence of alcohol and wearing neon-green clothing.

Herewith, a guide to spending the day in the Big Apple. This is what I'll probably be doing this year.

9:00 a.m.
Meet best friend Sully at Greek diner for traditional Irish-American breakfast of wet toast, runny eggs, cold home fries, bitter black coffee, three cigarettes, and the sports page. Curse the Knicks. Marvel at Pat Riley's hair.

9:30 a.m.
Corner of Ninth and 39th. Ring Fitzy's buzzer 23 times. On the twenty-fourth try, he buzzes us up. Find him naked on the living-room floor surrounded by empty Bud Tall Boys and an open can of paint. His entire body, including his hair, is green.

10:00 a.m.
Arrive at the corner of 51st and Fifth and take our places for the parade. Sully steals three cans of Molson out of some Italian guy's cooler. Fitzy tosses a half-eaten green hot dog into the middle of the Staten Island Marching Men's Choir.

10:14 a.m.
Fitzy gives Mayor Giuliani the finger. Mayor waves back. "****in' typical," Sully says. Fitzy steals three more beers from the Italian guy.

11:05 a.m.
The Francis Mulcahy School of Irish Step Dancing pauses right in front of us and runs through a rigamarole of jigs and reels. Fitzy bops out into the street and joins them by doing a variation on the twist. Two cops promptly escort him back to the curb. Ends up one of them (Blaney) is Sully's second cousin. All charges dropped. I steal a few more beers out of the cooler. We toast the NYPD.

12:02 p.m.
The Italian guy accuses us of raiding his stash. Waves his fists in the air. Sully punches him on the neck. Fitzy pulls out a lighter and starts to melt the cooler. Two more cops show up. So happens, one of them (O'Keefe) is Fitzy's dad's old neighbor from Brooklyn. Tells the Italian guy to "Move it along, pal, this ain't Columbus Day." Brawl breaks out between Irish and Italian bystanders. We throw several punches, grab the cooler, and split.

12:06 p.m.
Drop into St. Patrick's Cathedral for a quick gander at the Lord. Crack
open a couple of beers. Sully and I debate the merits of a short confession. Sully's argument -- "In a half hour, at the bar at Paddy Reilly's it's gonna be standin'-room only" -- wins out over mine, which involves Eternal Damnation. We opt for a fast Our Father, five bucks in the poor box, and a brief round of candle-lighting. Fitzy, meanwhile, steals a sip of Holy Water.

12:17 p.m.
In the cab downtown, our driver, one Adjid Sakeel, expresses his opinion that the Irish Lesbian and Gay Organization should be allowed to march in the parade. Fitzy -- his large green mug plugged right into the pay slot -- begs to differ: "They awready got their own parade downtown inna Village. We don't go down there, so why should they come uptown ta ours?" Adjid says, "Because this is America."

"No it ain't," counters Fitzy. "This is New York City. It's a whole different ball game." The argument ends with Fitzy barking like a dog and Adjid veering all over Second Avenue. We get out at 29th Street. I give Adjid a $3 tip and the cooler.

12:22 p.m.
Stop in at Paddy Reilly's for a few pops. Several rounds of green beer and whiskey. Rogues March -- a local band made up of guys who used to know members of the Pogues -- bash through a loud, boisterous show. The lead singer -- Joe Hurley -- stretches his voice to the point of aneurysm. We toast the IRA. We toast the cease-fire. We toast the pope. Fitzy pukes.

4:27 p.m.
Stop in at Molly Malone's Pub for a few more pops. Eat several slices of green pizza made by Sweeney the bartender's wife. She's Italian. We drink green champagne and vodka. Sweeney calls JFK the greatest man who ever lived. Fitzy calls Mario Cuomo a fag. Mrs. Sweeney kicks Fitzy. Sully pukes.

About a Quarter Past Eight
Over at the Emerald Inn, we drink green Guinness and recite dialogue from The Quiet Man verbatim. The Stogues -- a local band made up of guys who used to know the mother of one of the guys in the Pogues -- play "Danny Boy," and Fitzy starts to cry, green tears streaming down his puffy green cheeks. As Sully and I pat Fitzy on the back, the lead singer passes out.

Sometime After Ten
Head over to a Blarney Stone, where we order a drink called the Shane
MacGowan -- three ounces of vodka, four ounces of gin, six ounces of Irish whiskey, a teaspoon of something that smells like turpentine, and half a beer. You gotta down it in two slugs. Makes you spout poetic musings with a tongue so thick only Shane could understand. The problem is -- he ain't here. Fitzy stuffs an entire green bagel in his mouth, swallows it almost whole, downs his MacGowan, and says, "Now this is the life!"

That Same Night
Stop in at Siné. Place holds only 75 people, 72 of whom look like they just stepped off the boat. People without green cards drinking green beer. We're in time to see another local band (really local, since they live in the cellar) take the stage. Call themselves the Fogues. Made up of guys who used to be friends with guys who once bought a round for the guys who used to roadie for the Stogues. During "Thousands Are Sailing," the guitar player leaps up into the air and stays there. For what seems like a long time. His head is stuck in the ceiling; he gets a standing ovation. The lead singer asks if there's a carpenter in the house. There is. Thirty-three of them, to be exact.

Later
The fact that we're in the Dublin House is news to all three of us. But it's printed right there on the matches. And the wall. And the back of the bouncer's T-shirt. As my old man used to say: "Wherever the hell you go, there you ****in' are."

Later Still
The thing about painting yourself green is this: It's a great symbolic way to show your support of the Old Country and your family tree, but it's a terrible way to go out drinking. Mostly because your friends can't tell when you're about to puke. The point is, we didn't see it coming when Fitzy leaned over an Englishman named Trevor -- who was explaining his support of the peace process in Ireland -- and let blow. The hot dog, the pizza, the bagel -- they made a comeback even Travolta woulda been proud of. And set off a brawl the likes of which we may never see again. Seventeen Englishmen, 27 Micks, and a side order of Hispanic, African-American, and Polish guys. When the cops show up (Carelli, Tiveiros, Jackson, etc.) none of them is related to Fitzy or Sully, so they just pack the whole melting pot in the back of a couple of paddy wagons (just for the sake of historical irony, I guess) and drop us off downtown. I share a cell with Fitzy and a Puerto Rican plumber named Bob
. He says the cell gives him "déjà-vu" because he had the same one after the Puerto Rican Day Parade last year.

The Next Morning
I wake up to the sound of Mickey Mantle repeatedly pounding a Louisville Slugger across the side of my face. I make a count of my few remaining brain cells -- eight and holding. Bob's droning on about pipe wrenches and putty knives when they come to take us to court. Ends up the judge (McSwiggin) is not only a fifth cousin of Fitzy's mom but also happened to be in Dublin House last night when the hot dog hit the fan. He thinks the Englishman, the queen, and the United Kingdom had it coming. All charges dropped. (That should be the motto above the entrance to the Irish Embassy.) We tell the judge about Sully, and fifteen minutes later, me, Sully, Fitzy, and Bob are sitting in P.J. Clarke's chugging Bloody Marys and discussing the merits of indoor plumbing -- copper pipe vs. plastic. Fitzy says he likes plastic: "It's more modern. And it don't look shiny." Sully and I make up our minds. Bob -- turning a light shade of burnt sienna -- pukes.

My Philosophy

"Quoting an old song is not the same as having a philosophy." -- Diesel Sweeties

What about quoting a new comic?

LiveJournal Goes Down

Like a two-bit whore, LiveJournal went down this evening (1/15/05 1:31 GMT). Ouch.

The text:
Our data center (Internap) lost all its power, including redundant backup power. We're currently dealing with bringing our 100+ servers back online. Not fun. We're not happy about this. Sorry... :-/ More details later.

For some reason, this amuses me. Can't wait to see the chatter tying this to the 6A aquisition. . . .

Though it does suck for the LJ team - I'm glad I'm not them.

Game On

Ok, after our week from hell, this past weekend was a total blow-off. Saturday we hung out with some family and then some friends. Very nice. Sunday, after watching the Broncos get spanked by the Colts (kind of funny if you think about the namesakes of each team), was all about trash TV. While perusing the listings on my Mythbox, I spotted a real gem: Atomic Twister! Just check out this description: Tornadoes threaten to cause a meltdown at a nuclear-power plant in a small Southern town. Sweet. It doesn't get much better than that.

But oh yes it does. While we were finishing up the football game and waiting for enough of the show to record to make skipping commercials possible, my better half started giggling. Oh no, she was hatching an idea. After I asked her a few times what she was laughing about she announced the plan:The Sci-Fi/Action/Disaster Movie Drinking Game.

The Rules

I only made it through two beers during Atomic Twister. It could have been much worse.

The Playing Field

To prove it, we took a dinner break then started in on Stargate. This film was BRUTAL. Because of the number of times the title was mentioned in the film we instituted the "Buy 5, get one free" rule. I finished 3 vodka and kool-aids on that one.

The Contestants

Fun times. Though Martini-dog was not amused - probably because she didn't get to play.

The Referee

Up next: Lost in Space!

The Sci-Fi/Action/Disaster Movie Drinking Game

Each occurrence costs the players one drink unless otherwise noted. If you want to make it competitive, each player could take a different subset of rules to see who's un/luckier.

You also may want to institute a "Buy 5, get one free" rule. E.g., in Stargate, the sons of bitches say "Stargate" about 16 times. Rule #1 will kick your ass in this case, so take it easy on yourself - after 5 Stargates, let the sixth go by with a nod, not a sip.

1. Title gets quoted in the movie
2. Nameless character dies at beginning of film
3. Creaking weather vane *
4. Leading man named after verb or mineral
5. Leading woman named after sex act or animal
6. Leading lady's clothes torn off or come off during/due to disaster*
7. Hero has a questionable reputation *
8. Cameo by porn star
9. Cameo by B actor (not drinkable if you know they are in the movie before you watch it)
10. Geeky sidekick character
11. Bad/dirty cop character
12. Use of a power ballad (including credits)
13. Computer hacking scene
14. Death of a minority (2 drinks if this is a nameless minority)*
15. Vehicle chase scene *
16. Childhood flashback **
17. Death of meaningful family member ** (one drink for each one dead) (two drinks if they die due to the same disaster the movie is about)
18. Ridiculous explosion *
19. Child in peril/child saved **
20. Silly technical acronym or jargon ****
21. Kid sneaks out of the house *
22. Name of fictional government agency
23. Evil/Rival scientist * (use a broad definition of scientist)
24. Renegade scientist
25. Sex scene anywhere other than a bedroom
26. Tour group at dangerous location/facility *
27. Someone is overheard saying something insulting or stupid *
28. Evil clown/mime/street performer
29. Looting/robbery/crime after or because of the disaster
30. Character "coming back" from the dead
31. Someone is sacrificed or sacrifices him/herself *
32. Missed warning message*
33. Communication goes down ***
34. Someone hangs up in an attempt to fix a cut phone line*
35. Bad matte painting or blue-screen *
36. Animals sensing danger
37. Escape route blocked *
38. Ridiculous talking computer or countdown*
39. Person swears at machine*
40. Rescue team gets trapped/ambushed/lost/killed*
41. Past/unused/random job or skill comes in handy *
42. Technology used in a way differently than how it actually works in the real world (prime example from Twister: duplex communication over CB's as if they're telephones)
43. Something doesn't work because of budget cutbacks
44. Somebody points out the obvious*
45. Trying to outrun/drive/fly the disaster **
46. Dolly counter-zoom
47. Meal interrupted*
48. Someone pulls rank *
49. Someone is asked to do the impossible *
50. Using untested invention to save the day * (by broad definition, equipment that hasn't been used in X years counts)
51. A self-destruct device is used
52. If you need to flip/change DVDs/tapes/hard drives (yes, we actually needed to flip the DVD during Stargate)
53. If you talk to the screen/TV
54. If you look anything up on IMDB or Google during the movie
55. Singing in a foreign/alien language
56. Chanting
57. Ridiculous use of English (e.g. Bedouins talking to each other)
58. Hero contemplates suicide
59. Character drops/breaks something while realizing/learning something shocking
60. Character refers to something as, "The Device"
61. Evacuation (not the bathroom kind)
62. Gratuitous use of a robot
63. sci-fi light tunnel effect (e.g. Han gets the Hyperdrive working)

And now, drinkable quotes (none need to be exact):

1. "I was out of line" *
2. "We're going to need all the manpower we can get." *
3. "We need to bring the [system] back online." *
4. "What's going on?" + one additional drink for each cuss word/phrase added (e.g. "What the fucking god-damned hell is going on!?!?" = 4 drinks).
5. "It's/that was a long time ago." *
6. "It's not responding - I don't know why." *
7. "I need some help in/over here!" *
8. "Stay with me." *
9. "We're not out of this yet." *
10. "Not by a long shot."*
11. "There's not enough time!"
12. "We're losing it/him/her!" *
13. "No! It's too dangerous!"
14. "Don't you understand? We're/you're/they're all going to die!"
15. "Just hang on - I've got you!" *
16. "There's only one MAN who can help us" (2 drinks)
17. "There's only one PERSON who can help us" (1 drink)
18. "It's quiet - too quiet."
19. "It's coming right for us!" *
20. "It's like nothing I've ever seen before."
21. "Armageddon."
22. "I'm not leaving you!" *
23. "But that's impossible."
24. "Worst/biggest [insert disaster or event here] ever." *
    
25. And . . . "Are you coming back alive?" (this one is actually a joke - I said it to the rebooting Mythtv box and A. thought I was suggesting it for the list. It's close enough to be on the list, she thinks.)

* inidactes these rules took their toll as we watched, Atomic Twister.

Enjoy! Let us know how it goes.

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