Eblo

Putting the Damage On

Woke up just after 2:00 due to Em puking, possibly from some old cheese I warned her about. Now can't get back to sleep.

Been wanting to do a brain dump for a long while, but never get to it - probably need actual paper and pen, but I'm trying this (again - a couple weeks ago, I started and stalled and Evernote lost even the attempt).

Listening to Beethoven's Piano Sonata in C Minor (Pathetique). Fell asleep listening to Bjork - mostly Homogenic, but started off with "Hyperballad" and "Violently Happy." Meditation music. Music I wish I could create.

Been in my head a lot lately. Between running, which I haven't done in forever now, and hunting, which I just did a bunch of last week, and I guess the several trips up north the last several weeks, I've had a lot of time to think.

Mostly, I think about sex. Yeah, at 36. I swear, I think about it more now than I did at 18, but maybe I'm remembering wrong.

Not related (or is it?), I've been feeling creatively void lately. And holy crap, my knuckle hairs at like 2" long. Wow.

Already on the 3rd movement of Pathetique - this is going by too quickly. I miss classical, I need to listen to more (at the risk of sounding like a pretentious douche). I think Tchaikovsky is next. Not as in "the next big thing." I mean next on my playlist. ;)

Before Beethoven, I gave old Tori a spin - "Putting the Damage On." I love that song for one fragment of a line, "... My best impression of my best Angie Dickenson." I don't know why, but I love that thought. Listening to Tori always ALWAYS makes me wistful for 'the old days.' Namely, being home from college, laying on my bed in my 'old' room at my parents' house in Streamwood, listening and identifying in some way with Greggy, The Dream King, and whoever was down past the mission (Oh, The Mission, what a great soundtrack that is.). I used to LOVE Tori Amos. But things got a little shaky at Boys for Pele, we rekindled with Choirgirl, but just went downhill from there (the exception being Strange Little Girl which has some pretty interesting covers). The funny thing is that I think Amy prefers the stuff I don't. I don't know if it's post-breakup with Eric (I think?) bitterness or what, but it seems to pit 'boy' against 'girl.' Or is that 'grrl?'

But enough about that.

I recently migrated my work desktop from crap-ass Windows Vista to Debian linux and in so doing, configured Pidgin, a multi-protocol IM chat client. Since then, I've been chatting/reconnecting with old online (and IRL) buds more. I don't think people do that enough. I'm sometimes a little self-conscious about it. Since I always seem to be the one who reaches out of the ether, it makes me wonder if those people really care to hear from me (or they'd contact me). But I figure maybe they're thinking the same thing, so I make the first move. As I get older, it gets easier to make the first move. Life's too short, if I knew then what I know now, etc. One one hand, it's selfless - I want the people I care about to know I care about them - though if you haven't heard from me, it doesn't necessarily mean I don't care about you, it just means you're not on one of my many IM buddy lists showing as 'available' when I'm reaching out. On the other hand, this need for contact may stem from the fact that I work in an office, by myself, secluded from others working for an already small (and getting smaller) company. As much of an 'alone' guy as I've always been, there are times when a little human contact is nice - aside from the jibber jabber at lunch with my few office mates.

It's funny, perhaps because of that seclusion, or maybe just because of my personality, I find myself engaging the people I do run into in life more. I find myself making the same small-talk chitter-chatter my dad would always make (and I assume still does) with store clerks, folks in line at the DMV, etc. I think it drives my wife nuts (as it used to drive me nuts).

Coincidentally, Tchaikovsky's Symphony Pathetique is now on. I think I'm going to take this as a cue to try sleep again. I didn't get to as much as I wanted to on this brain dump, and spent way more time on Tori than I expected, but oh well. Shockingly, I think I'm actually going to post this to my neglected blog. As is. No delay.

G'night.
Posted by oblivion at December 2, 2010 03:40 AM