June 16, 2004
Tales From the Undergrad Information Line
I found this somewhere in my archives while I was touching up my Mikey page. I forget where he posted this and how I came across it.
[H]ere are true stories from the information line of Northwestern University Undergraduate Admissions. I guarantee truth. I answered them all.
* Female Caller: Like, hi! Like, my bestest friend in the whole, total,
entire world is going to Northwestern next year, and like I totally want to like get her something with like the Northwestern colors on it, ya know? So, like, what are your colors?
Me: Purple and White.
FC: Like, totally, what color purple? Like is it a lilac purple, like, or a paisley purple, ya know, or....
Me: (interrupting) Dark purple. The darkest you can find.
FC: Like, totaaly thank you!
*FC: My son was just admitted to Northwestern and I want to get him a
cake with Willie the Wildcat on it. Can you describe him for me?
Me: Describe him?
FC: Yes. Is he a tame wildcat? A ferocious one? How is his paw extended?
Does he growl? Does he have a fearsome look in his eyes? Is his left ear extended all the way out? WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE??
Me: Ummm....I can fax you a copy of his picture if you are near a fax machine?
FC: Well, I don't care about details! Just tell me exactly what he looks like!
*Me: Good morning, NU Admissions.
Male Caller: Hi. My girlfriend and I were both admitted to NU, and we got our housing forms. Which dorm will let us stay in the same room?
Me: Um, none. All rooms are single sex.
MC: Oh great. She and I will have to break up now.
Me: (confused) I see...
*MC: What is the profile of your students' class rank.
Me: Well, the top half of our freshamn class is usually in the top 5% of their high school classes.
MC: No. You're wrong. The top 5% of your students were in the top 50% of
their high school classes.
Me: I see, thanks for correcting the Admissions Office.
MC: No problem. Now do you mind if a student is last in his class of 500?
Me: Um, I wouldn't give you high chances of getting in.
MC: What do you folks at Admissions know about applications anyway?
Me: We read them and decide who gets in.
MC: Oh. (hangs up)
*(Note: this call happened BEFORE the [winning] football season)
MC: I hear you have a good football team out there!
Me: (stifling a laugh) Some would say that.
MC: I wanna come play for you guys!
Me: Great! I'll send you out an application for admission and a course catalog.
MC: Course catalog? I don't want to take classes -- I just want to play football!
Me: Well, there's a direct relationship. To play on the team you must be enrolled at NU and taking classes.
MC: OK. Well, can I just take classes during fall quarter and skip the rest of the year? I'm just gonna take blow-off classes like Intro to Snowblowing anyway.
Me: Er, no. You have to be a full-time student.
MC: WOW! You guys have athletic admission policies like you're an academic school or something.
Me: We're #13 academically in the country.
MC: Oh. (hangs up)
Hope you like em.....
Michael Massing firstname.lastname@example.org
NU School of Engineering -- Class of 1996
Wearing the Purple with PRIDE!!! -- GO 'CATS!
1995 Big Ten Football Champs